Moving Beyond Perfection

Six Months Later

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on December 22, 2009

Six months ago, I began writing this blog to cleanse myself of feelings I thought I’d never be able to share with others. I needed an outlet to reflect my thoughts, my pains, and reveal what I believed were skeletons in my closet. Skeletons that could potentially label me as the girl who had “issues”, something I have always feared of being labeled as. Unfortunately, I was forced to stop writing, as the rational part of me decided that it would not be good for me as I was undergoing recruiting for jobs. I needed to sound certain of what I wanted in my job interviews, and I could not have any evidence online of thoughts that I have had of various job positions that I was applying to.

So six months later, where am I? I have just finished my first semester of senior year, and am currently sitting on a plane back home to Hong Kong. Before even continuing further,

I must comment briefly how I am continuously just taken aback by Hong Kong culture. In front of me, sits a nanny who cannot help raising her voice to discipline a little baby girl she is in charge of taking care of, and there is just crying, crying, and more crying… the mother is sitting comfortably in some far away seat, apparently not even in economy class, without a care in the world for how her daughter is being treated. This is, as I have observed, how most kids in Hong Kong are raised. Not by their parents, but instead by a full-time nanny. The nanny will bring the kids to the bus stops, carry their backpacks, and then put the backpacks on the kids as they board the bus. I suppose coming from a culture that for the most part endorses a “do-it-yourself” type of lifestyle, I cannot help but continuously be surprised.

Anyhow, back to senior year. I believe senior year has been one of the best years of my life. I have the most amazing roommate and friends in the world, and have met some amazing new people as well. I think I am truly at a different stage of my life, where I no longer have the same concerns and thoughts that I used to. Instead of looking at the past, I am often living in the moment, or looking towards my future. I am finally ready to think forwards, and not backwards.  My freshman year experience at Harvard now seems just a blur in my mind; it is almost hard for myself to comprehend how I could have been at such a low point. It has taught me, however, that one can always move forwards… and that is a comforting thought. I did not think I would come back to this blog, primarily because I do believe I am at a very different stage in my life as before, but at this point, I would just like to write. As I now have a job lined up for next year, I feel a greater need to protect my privacy and therefore will be both taking down and refraining from posting any pictures, but I think I will come back here from time to time to just write. I will be writing primarily for myself, as a way to document my thoughts for the future, so that if I ever want to look back at my life, I will have something to read and remember. However, if you are reading this, thank you for taking an interest in my life J

As aforementioned, I do have a job lined up for the future, and will be residing in NYC next year. For security purposes, I will keep the details of my job private. I will say though, that the people are extremely warm, and value the idea of further education. The culture is quite suited for me, and I will continue to keep the possibility of pursuing a JD/MBA in the back of my mind.

It is a bit surreal to know what I am doing next year. I know exactly when my job starts, and exactly where I will be living. I have gotten so comfortable living with the most amazing roommate in the world that I do not even know how I will survive on my own. Yet, regardless, I do believe it is best for me not to have a roommate next year. It will be a stressful time period, adjusting to full-time work and life in NYC, so the last thing I’d need is to have to accommodate someone else. I cannot help but be sad to know that my roommate this year will be across the country from me next year though, and that my other friends in college will most likely be dispersed all over the country too. Are we really ready to grow up? I suppose we have to be. Well, no, not yet. In six months, we will have to be.

I would be lying if I were to claim I am not scared for next year. I think I am extremely lucky, and I am very excited for what awaits in the future. But life in New York City–that is a different world. While I think it is an amazing place to live, I do not want to turn into some cutthroat, heartless, money-hungry person. I hope I will not be forced to become less caring of others, to become less compassionate, and less understanding. It is funny, because when I was younger (aka middle school), I would actually dream about the glamorous corporate life. Wearing heels to work, a classy work suit, holding a big mug of coffee in my hand, with its fresh aroma filling my own personal office. Others would be impressed by the life I lived, and I would be genuinely happy, typing away at my computer, doing something seemingly important. It is funny, only because I am not sure I associate those same characteristics with the corporate world anymore. They may certainly hold true for some people, but I am now much more conflicted about the image the lifestyle portrays. Conflicted between wanting to stand out, get promoted, becoming a powerful managing director one day, and with blending in, being average, humble, but someone much more down-to-earth. I’d like to think one can be successful while being down-to-earth at the same time, but from what I have observed, this has become hard for me to believe. It is too early for me to be concerned about these things, but I can only hope that I discover I am wrong, once in the future.

More and more, I have become okay with the idea of being average. My mother has always told me to aim for being average. To stop stressing about my grades in college, about post-college plans, and to settle for “average”. I never understood this before. Why would I settle for average if I have the potential to be above average? Her point though, I came to realize, was not that I shouldn’t work my hardest, but rather that I should not become so disappointed if I did not achieve my sometimes too-high goals. Life is simply less stressful this way.

I finally understand where my mother is coming from. I am unsure whether this is because I have just lost motivation as a senior in college, or whether this is because my perspective on life has actually changed. Regardless, the idea of being average has begun to really appeal to me. The company I will be working for is not well known to many unless they are fully immersed in the Wall Street world. This actually pleases me quite a bit. The name, Harvard, is already intimidating enough to some. I don’t need another top-brand name to scare off people from wanting to get to know me, or wanting to get to know me for purely network connections. I would much rather be seen a likeable person to others rather than be seen as “intense”. I have always been called intense, and I never liked that label. Some say it is not necessarily a negative thing; it simply shows you have drive and ambition. Even in high school, I was voted the superlative, “Most likely to first make a million dollars.” But I don’t like these labels. Sure, I am motivated, but I feel it is a misinterpretation of my personality. I care much more about the family and friends around me than about my “success”.

So I suppose this is where I stand right now, in terms of where I am heading in the next year. As for now, I am fully enjoying the experience of the college bubble. It is the last year in which I feel as though I can irrationally follow my heart and my passions without any concern at all for the future. In the past, I have always thought about what is most logical for the future, but this year, I am sincerely living in the moment. I have made quite a few irrational decisions and have allowed myself to think quite irrationally as well. This has caused me both happiness, and pain, but I do not regret a moment of my actions or feelings. For better or for worse, I have gained a new appreciation for certain things, gained a new perspective on life, and met some pretty amazing new people. It has been a roller coaster of a year, with some of my highest highs in life, and also quite a few lows. And yet, it has been the most wonderful year because I do not regret any of my decisions. Not a single one. And that is how I plan to live up Senior Spring as well.

The Climb

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 20, 2009

Yesterday, I went on a beautiful hike up The Peak. It was the perfect opportunity for me to clear my head and do some thinking.

From the bottom: (Same level as where I live – pretty high up already)

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Starting to go up.. it is approximately 7:30 AM and people are already finishing their morning hikes.

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They have some sitting areas located along the way.

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Continuing to climb up…

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Almost there…

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A park along the way- I am always amused when I see an American stretching after a run. The only people you see here running are Americans, as the natives and even the British and Australians seem to prefer walking only. Given the humidity and heat, walking does make more sense. However, there is an area right before the very top that is fairly flat, and there is a nice ~2 mile loop that you will frequently see Americans running on.  I had planned on only walking yesterday myself too, but my legs were itching to run and I broke out into a jog a few times. It was way too steamy for a real run, however. I am used to nice cool weather on flat land, and I didn’t want to get heat stroke from pushing myself too hard.

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These pictures are taken from the 2-mile loop area – not quite at the very top yet, but getting quite close. The loop is mostly flat, but has some mini hills to bring you up to the very top.

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Finally- at the top, there is a shopping complex, which was almost entirely empty since it was a weekday.

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And here are some views:

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The walk up was really refreshing. There is a nice breeze at the top- almost like an award for making it to the top. I really needed a chance to do some thinking on my own and this was a nice place to do it. I have been struggling a lot lately with deciding whether to follow this nagging feeling in my stomach versus what makes the most rational sense. I know if I were speaking to anyone else, I would tell them to follow what their instincts tell them, but for some reason I don’t tell myself the same because I feel like I have nothing to back up my nagging feeling. If anyone were to ask me why, I wouldn’t even know how to explain. But I guess that’s why it makes the feeling “instinctual” rather than “rational” right? I’m afraid I can’t go into more details right now but I guess I just need some space/time of my own right now to first sort my mind out. It’s frustrating because the clock is literally ticking. I know I have a lot of options, but I can’t pursue all of them at the same time- I at least need to choose one to start with.. and to focus on it. And then there are little things on my mind.. like getting a new laptop. My laptop is currently on its last leg and every time I open it, I’m scared it’s going to just die. But I’ll have to wait until I’m back in the US to get a new laptop because I’d really rather not deal with converting the Cantonese on my computer and changing all the settings… additionally, I’m going to have to figure out how to transfer everything from my current laptop to the new one. I think the start of every school year is just always stressful for me because of moving in. Since I come home so infrequently and the flight is so long (with 50 pd. suitcase limits), I hardly ever bring anything home and as a result, I just have stacks and stacks of boxes stored at school, at friends’, and at parents’ friends. It is quite a headache moving in every fall (just as it is quite a headache moving out), and I don’t think I’m going to feel relaxed until everything is unpacked, cleaned, and set up for school. Speaking of which, I need to go take a look at what classes to take in the fall now.. have a great day/night everyone! Hope you enjoyed the pictures!

Trying to Get Organized

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 19, 2009

I wonder why it is so hard to get motivated when I’m at home and it is summer. I started making a spreadsheets of all the schools I will be applying to this fall for graduate school, and totally stopped after filling out the info for only one mere school (types of recommendations needed, app deadline, mailing address, GRE testing requirements, degrees offered, etc.) It took me quite a while to fill in everything! The info is scattered around the website and I’m also a formatting neat freak, so I probably wasted a good # of minutes clicking “wrap text”, “center”, “top”, etc. for all of my columns. Oh well, I am going to make a pact with myself that this will get done within the next 2 days!

Some snacks from the morning:

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An Asian pear- so crispy and delicious! 1000 x more tasty than the mushy ones you find in America.

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A chocolate brownie cookie – slightly crumbled but still chewy and delicious.

Lunch consisted of curry chicken w/carrots + cabbage, green squash, and cabbage stirred fried with carrot slices. Can you tell my family loves the combination of cabbage and carrots? They go super well together though! Simple and delicious.

For dessert, I had a piece of Godiva chocolate –

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How sweet is my mom for waiting for me to come home before opening this delicious box of chocolates? I am a chocoholic, and she knows this. I didn’t buy any chocolate this summer in NYC because I thought it would melt if I brought it to the office (ac went off at night and weekends), and I spent 80% of my time there. But boy oh boy, did I miss my chocolate :)

Okay, well since I have some serious lack of motivation for getting organized right now, I’m going to go read some Harry Potter instead now. I love reading Harry Potter every time I’m home because it makes me feel like a little girl again. Plus, I always learn more each time I re-read the books because I forget details and also pick up on new ones! Love Hogwarts  :)

Painful teeth and Hunger Cues

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 18, 2009

5:40 AM in Hong Kong (yes, I am jetlagged!):

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5:50 AM: (a lot changes in 10 minutes!)

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7:50 AM – finally nice and bright!

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Good morning everyone! Let me start off by saying that getting wisdom teeth out is not fun :( I know, I know, who in their right mind would enjoy getting their wisdom teeth taken out? However, I honestly didn’t think it would hurt as much as it did. I don’t think they give you as much painkiller in Asia because I’ve heard so many of my friends say that they were so drugged up after getting their wisdom teeth taken out that they were happy. I’m glad they didn’t give me too many drugs because I’m one of those people who hate taking medicine unless it’s I absolutely need it, but let me tell you, after that Novocain wore off, I was one unhappy camper :( The painkillers they prescribed me barely did anything to alleviate my pain, but on the bright side, I think I’m a fast healer because I stopped looking like a chipmunk about 3 hours later, and I’m already started to do some chewing again this morning. Nevertheless, I will probably still be eating mostly soft foods, just to be on the safe side. I hate, hate, hate, blood (which is why I’m not pre-med), and so I would hate to do anything that might make me start bleeding again… yuck!

This morning I began to start feeling some discomfort in my mouth again, so I quickly ate some yogurt in order to take another painkiller (the doctor said not to take them on an empty stomach). I feel like such a pill popper because they gave me so many antibiotics to take too!

Japanese plain yogurt- my favorite!

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This was so creamy and delicious. If any of you travel to Japan, you must buy some of their yogurt. Any kind. I love their plain, but they also have a wonderful aloe flavored one (yes I know it sounds weird, but it really just tastes like grape!), and other delicious yogurts. The plain kind is creamier and less tart than US plain yogurt, but less thick than greek yogurt. It comes with a small packet of sugar that you blend into the yogurt, which makes the yogurt just slightly sweet. Even without the sugar though, the yogurt is still delicious. On the side, I also ate some toast just so I could take my pills :)

An hour later, I munched on some random foods… an extremely juicy orange and 2 mini cucumbers sliced up! I swear, the fruits and produce here are just so much fresher than in the US. I haven’t tasted such good cucumber in ages!

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Then finally, a little while later again, “real” breakfast:

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What is this, you might ask? It’s this creamy, delicious black sesame mixed cereal blend (unsweetened) with banana slices on top for some sweetening. There are all sorts of great, nutritious types of grains in this blend. There is a blend of millet, barley, and oat, among other grains that I don’t even know how to translate. I actually wonder if there is some chia in this blend, because the texture is quite gel-like. Anyway, it was delicious and extremely nutritious! Just black sesame alone has the following benefits:

  • Black sesame is great source for cooper, magnesium, and calcium. Just a quarter-cup of sesame seeds supplies 74.0% of the daily value for copper, 31.6% of the DV for magnesium, and 35.1% of the DV for calcium.
    • copper plays an important role in the activity of lysyl oxidase, an enzyme needed for the cross-linking of collagen and elastin–the ground substances that provide structure, strength and elasticity in blood vessels, bones and joints.
    • magnesium prevents the airway spasm in asthma, lowers high blood pressure, prevents migraines, and restores normal sleep patterns.
    • calcium, is obviously great for bone health.

Yum! The cereal is also great for me right now because it involves almost zero chewing.

Although I’m enjoying just resting at home lately, I’m also starting to get antsy. I’m not allowed to exercise for at least a day due to my wisdom teeth procedure (any physical exertion might cause the wounds to start bleeding again…), but it’s been 4 days since I last worked out and that is a long time for me! My parents live by this wonderful mountain that has a paved path on it, and I can’t wait to hike it up again. My mom frequently walks up the mountain (it’s not too high up- takes about 25 minutes if you speed walk) for exercise, and my legs are itching to move again. Hong Kong is one of those cities way too hot & humid to run outside (or so methinks, as I’m typically spoiled by the beautiful Charles River in Boston), but I would love to go walking. Interestingly, my hunger has gone way down during the past 4 days. It’s been extremely interesting for me because I’m typically active, but I never actually thought my hunger would truly decrease if I stopped working out. Of course, it makes logical sense, but I’m so used to being hungry all the time (which is fine, since I do love munching), that it’s quite a nice change! It’s also nice to know that when I do starting lowering the intensity and frequency of my workouts (especially running, since I don’t think I want to ruin my knees once I’m old….) in the future, I won’t be as ravenous as I typically am  :)

Anyway, as much as I’d like to go for a hike, I hate blood more than anything, so I suppose I need to rest another day! Hopefully, every single inch of sore muscle in my body has been repaired from my rest this week :) My family is also planning on traveling to Shen Zhen, China this weekend for 3 hour massages! Can’t wait!!

Never Ignore Your Gut

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 18, 2009

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Last night I was reading this month’s issue of Cosmopolitan (yes, totally vegging out here, haha!), and I came across this article titled, “Gut Feelings You Should Never Ignore”.

“….For example, when you walk into a job interview, your gut might tell you that the company just isn’t a good fit. The trouble is, reasoning often overrides this feeling. You tend to ignore your big-picture initial reaction (that the job isn’t right for you) and instead focus on the nitty-girtty details, like that the position offers a pay raise and a more flexible schedule. ‘Logic is like an overworked muscle,’ Dr. Orloff explains. ‘Because people rely on it more often than intuition, it becomes their default setting.’…..”

Do you guys tend to follow your gut or more rational thinking? I must admit that I am one of those people who tend to rely on reasoning much more than my intuition. I tend to draw up pro/con lists in my head and am also extremely risk-averse, so I always try to choose the more “rational” route. However, I have also learned over the years that my gut reaction is often right. I didn’t mean to approach my last interview of my summer internship the way I did, but my responses were a reflection of my inner instincts. I am glad I finally followed my gut. It is also perfect timing that I came across this article when I did :)

Humid Hong Kong

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 17, 2009

I’m up at 6 AM (actually since 5:30 AM) due to jet lag, but since the rest of my family regularly sleeps at 9:30PM and wakes up at 6 AM (for work & school) , my jet lag is really not that bad, after all! :)

Anyhow, here’s a view from our balcony window of Hong Kong. We live right by The Peak where all the tourists go for a view of the city, so we’re pretty high up. Can you guys tell how wet and humid it is? Maybe it’s just because I’m physically here.. but even the picture seems so humid and hot!! haha.

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mmm.. home cooked food! Delish! It’s essentially a mishmash of green beens, seaweed salad, and.. a vegetable medley (?) over a heap of brown rice that’s hiding.

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There isn’t really a name for the “vegetable medley”,  but it’s one of FAVORITE dishes. It’s really just a stir fry of potato slices, peppers, and carrot slices – add some salt and olive oil, and it’s amazing. Sometimes my mom also adds tofu slices (the extra firm kind) to this dish.

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I also enjoyed some exotic fruit – dragonfruit! I LOVE dragonfruit. It’s like a better version of a kiwi when they are ripe :)

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For the rest of the day, I also snacked on some leftover cheesecake and random things, but I’m a huge snacker so it would be almost fruitless to try and document everything that went into my mouth. Dinner was also amazing but by that time, my mind was drooping from jetlag (haha), so I unfortunately can’t share it with you all. But, it did involve some delicious fish, chicken, and more veggies :)

And a HUGE shout-out to Miss Caitlin for changing my life with Windows Live Writer!!

Have a wonderful night to everyone in the US! My day is just getting started, though it unfortunately involves a trip to the dentist :( Wish me luck on my wisdom teeth extractions! I’m so scared!

Jumping on the twitter bandwagon

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 17, 2009

So after following some people on twitter, I’ve decided to finally jump in on the bandwagon! haha, it’s so amusing to see what people are up to at random times of the day :) Anyhow- I’ve created an account for this blog now! Find me @KathyMBP!

A little older & a little changed

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 16, 2009

I am finally in Hong Kong now and ecstatic to be with my family again after not having seen them since Thanksgiving last year. My little 11 year  old brother is now officially 2 inches taller than me, and I must admit, it feels a bit weird. I officially turned 21 (finally!) this past Friday, though it was probably not the most typical or eventful 21st birthday one might expect. It was the last day of my summer internship– the day we had our final reviews and offer decisions, and thus the day was filled with more anxiety than anything else. The night was filled with packing and getting ready to leave. I’ll elaborate on all of this more later.

I learned a lot about myself this summer, and for the first time, I was finally honest with myself. I was also probably a little too honest with the recruiters, but in retrospect, I am glad I was. This past Wednesday morning, I was called in by a lady who has been in charge of recruiting at the firm for approximately 30 years for essentially a final round interview (though we were not warned of this), and the conversation was quite an experience. In addition to the typical question such as– What can you offer this firm?– she also asked what my favorite song was, what the title of my autobiography would be, and who would I want to meet if I could talk to anyone in this world. Caught offgaurd by these questions, I responded surprisingly honestly. Had I 100% wanted to get hired, I knew honesty would not be the best way to approach these questions. In fact, the minute I left her office, I knew I was done for.

The reason I turned so many of my posts private is because the question that really caught me offguard was the title of my autobiography. I sort of panicked, and basically told her, “Moving Beyond Perfection”. I explained how I was a perfectionist at heart, but realized that at some point, I realized I had to come to terms with the fact that perfection is an unattainable concept. This was probably mistake #1. From a friend or parent’s perspective, this sounds like a wonderful realization. From an investment bank’s standpoint, you’ve probably got yourself a lazy worker.

Mistake #2, and probably the largest mistake, was my response to the question who I’d like to meet if I could meet anyone. Now, I’ve been asked this question during interviews before, and I know I had practiced my response to such a question before – but for some reason, my mind blanked and I decided to be honest again. I told her I’d love to speak with Joanne Chang, a Harvard applied math + economics graduate who quit her consulting job to pursue her true passion of baking and proceeded to open 2 successful restaraunts in Boston after a few years of painfully hard work. As an Asian, her change in career must’ve given her parents a heart attack. I am in awe of how she managed to follow her heart and go after what she truly wanted. However, while my interviewer was quite interested by my story, I am sure my response did not give her the impression that I wanted to work for an investment bank.

Needless to say, I did not end up receving a full-time offer. I received only wonderful comments about my intellectual capacity and my work abilities, but the reason they were not extending an offer to me is because they had doubts about my “passion” for the job. I was not too surprised by the outcome, but it did upset me slightly to find out which of the interns did end up receiving offers. Some of them were quite unexpected. My manager from last summer (same firm) was also shocked that I did not receive an offer as he had given me a fantastic review then. The whole process, however, was extremely political. It is almost disheartening to realize how political these decisions really are.

So how am I feeling now? Given all the hours and effort I put in the internship, I am of course not too happy with the outcome. However, I also know that if they had extended me an offer, I would have felt compelled to take it. Given the economic circumstances, it would have been foolish for me to refuse the offer. It is an extremely respectable position, and working there for 1-2 years would have enabled me to go anywhere. But I also know that I would not have been happy there. Not at all. I would not have liked my co-workers, I would not have liked senior management, and I would not have enjoyed my job. I would have appreciated the skills I would learn, but used the job as a stepping stone for others. When I told my parents about the outcome, even they were relieved. They knew how miserable I truly was, and now I have so many options I can explore. In the near term, I am going to explore the buy-side, but in the long term, I realized that what I really want to do is go back for more education. It will most likely not be for economics (which is my concentration), but perhaps law or a joint law-business degree, or perhaps something even in government. I am inherently quantitative, but I enjoy the writing part of analysis much more than the number crunching. I like logical reasoning, but the actual math part such as accounting bores me. In addition, I enjoy understanding the rules behind society — how bills are passed, how our government is run, etc. I never thought I’d want to learn more about the government because I have never enjoyed watching lying politicians, but understanding how the government works is a different story. So where am I at right now? I really don’t have any clue what I am going to be doing next year or in the next 5 years, but I can say I am working on it. This is also refreshing for me because all my life, I’ve known exactly what I’m going to do (or thought I knew), and have always followed a straight line path. I was never one of those who could say that they had no idea what they would be doing next summer or next year. I am a planner at heart, but sometimes it is more freeing not to plan.

And so now I am just sitting back at home, feeling like a little girl again. I am eating leftover birthday cake (cheesecake!) at 9 AM (my mom and I have the same birthday, so my family had birthday cake too), not knowing whether I am going to exercise at all this week, and not knowing what I have in store for the rest of the day. It feels wonderful. I can tell that my body and mind have just been both emotionally & physically drained from the past 10 weeks. Sitting at work was stressful because I knew I was being constantly watched. They have these 2 inch thick folders of all the interns, basically tracking every conversation we’ve held with anyone, and documenting everything we do. It’s a little creepy.

So my plan for the next two weeks is just to let loose. Eat what I want, exercise when I want, go shopping with my mom, bake, spend time with my little brother, have fun conversations dreaming about my future with my parents.. just do whatever the hell I want. I can go back to being 21 years old and a soon-to-be adult when I return to school, but for now I am going to be a little girl again. I love being pampered by my family :).

A few changes

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 12, 2009

Hi everyone,

You may have noticed that many of my posts have suddenly dissappeared. For reasons I will explain later, I have felt the need to temporarily make several of my posts private. You never know who is reading, and I just need to keep certain aspects about my life private for the remainder of this week. Posting shall resume next week, and I’ll explain everything then too! Have a wonderful day!

Kathy

Wow

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on August 10, 2009

I’m still chugging along with my internship (last week!), but I just came across this song, “Courage” by Superchick because I fell in love with “Cross the Line” ….. and wow. I just had to share. It’s extremely moving for me. It may not be representative of how I feel anymore, but I can definitely relate to these words. No, I never starved myself – but the emotions.. of crying alone, of insecurity, of feeling lost, of suddenly feeling unbeautiful – those were all real feelings.

Courage- by Superchick

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like “I don’t feel well”
“I ate before I came”

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I’m alone
No one hears me cry

I need you to know
I’m not through the night
Some days I’m still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we’ll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don’t know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I’m okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I’m not okay
And I need your help
So I’m letting go

I need you to know
I’m not through the night
Some days I’m still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we’ll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you’re not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don’t know when but I know now
Together we’ll make it through somehow
Together we’ll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I’m not through the night
Some days I’m still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we’ll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

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