Moving Beyond Perfection

Life is a Spiral

Posted in Uncategorized by Kathy on July 6, 2009

What frustrated me most sometimes was that life seemed to be a circle. No matter how hard I tried, I kept landing right back where I started.

Sophomore year was the beginning of my journey towards happiness and health, but it was also a learning experience. I thought I had great roommates, a wonderful group of friends, and even a caring boyfriend. But I realized I needed more time to just figure me out, so I broke up with the boy at the end of the school year. I had felt like I was being pulled in all sorts of directions.. trying to get to know my new sorority sisters better, trying to spend time with him, trying to figure myself out. It was a good decision on my part, and I don’t regret it.

By the end of summer, however, the boy had begun dating my roommate, who at the time, I thought was my best friend. Because they were both in our circle of friends, their new relationship alienated me from the group. It also did not help that my roommate had lost a ton of weight that year while I was working so hard to gain weight. I am not proud of it, but this sent a huge wave of negative emotions through my mind. I couldn’t stand to see them together, and it wasn’t even about them- it was about me. How they made me feel, and how she reminded me of my dark, gloomy past I was trying so hard to forget. And yet, even then, I knew I could not blame them because how could they know about my past? I sure as hell hadn’t told them. I wondered if they would gossip about me though, and talk about me behind my back. I wonder if they secretly analyzed my feelings and my actions. These were the 2 people who knew me best, and this scared me.

I remember sitting there in my room, thinking – wow, I just completed an entire circle. An entire year had passed, and where was I? I again felt alone, without a strong network of friends. I again found myself eating along in the dining halls many times, although this time it was not because I wanted to sit alone; I simply did not want to eat with my group of friends, who to their credit, probably would have welcomed me. And I was again the same weight as I was when I entered college, maybe more, I didn’t even know anymore. I felt like I had gotten nowhere. I could already see myself going down a dark path again, and this angered me deeply.

I distinctly remember one night when my group of friends were sitting in our common room, and I saw my ex-boyfriend sitting on the futon with my roommate right outside my bedroom door. I shut the door, began blasting terrifying music as loud as it could go, and literally just started throwing things at the door. As hard as I could – pens, highlighters, erasers.. anything around me. I was shaking. and crying. and hysterical. I thought I was seriously going insane. I can only imagine what my friends out there thought I was up to.

Many people have asked me how I got over the fact that my roommate began to date my ex-boyfriend. Well, I guess the simple answer is that it wasn’t that easy. I just went through it all. First I was in denial, a little numb to the information. Then I was sad that someone I viewed as my best friend could do such a thing to me. Then I was angry, and then I went crazy. But after going up a rollercoaster of emotions, I could only come back down. And I did come back down. I moved on. Slowly, I just moved on.

I was back at square one, but I ended up making wonderful friends that meshed with me so much better – friends I would never have met if this all hadn’t happened to me. Friends that I can see myself keeping forever. I also got much closer to my sorority sisters. They were there to fall back on when I had nobody else. Thank goodness they were there. Slowly I began to laugh again and just be my silly self again. Quite honestly, I am just an average girl. I need my girly magazines, and my shopping, and my Gossip Girl tv shows. I need my ice cream nights, and gossip sessions. And quite frankly, I don’t even enjoy museums. I have a lot of respect for people who enjoy museums, but I am not one of them. I don’t necessarily like to read history books for pleasure, or talk about politics over dinner. Those things are all great from time to time, but most of the time, I prefer to just be a girl, whatever that means. It can be tiring to sound smart all the time. I think we all study hard enough for class- I don’t need to sound intellectual all the time either.

My point is, even though my situation may have sounded terrible, I grew so much from it. I am so much happier than I ever was as a result of everything that happened, and now when someone asks me, “Isn’t your ex-boyfriend dating your old roommate?”, I can honestly laugh. And I think they are quite happy with each other. So in the end, I suppose everyone got a happy ending.

And so you see, life is actually a spiral. When you sit in that cubicle at work everyday or begin to be bored of the monotany of life, don’t think that you are going in a circle. You are actually going in a spiral. It might be a slow process, but you will move forwards. Everyday, whether you realize it or not, you are moving forwards. That is what I tell myself, anyway :)

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